"Am I going to make it?"

I know this probably sounds dramatic, but it's what I ask Chris nearly every single night. I haven't written in a long time basically because I feel like what I have to say is really depressing. Don't get me wrong...the three of us laugh a lot and just when I feel like I can't take one more thing, the Lord blesses us in some way. I have been paying a lot of attention to Eliana and her sleep issues and have really tried not to even think about my Lyme disease. BIG MISTAKE! I feel like I am paying for it now. I am not taking care of myself the way I need to be...and really feel paralyzed about making any decisions. All last week, I prayed and prayed for the Lord to help me find the path that will lead to healing. There are so many ways I can go about trying to heal from this awful disease. For over a year, I have been on antibiotics and getting shots of bicillin to try to kill the disease. Over all, I don't see any change. I can't even explain how frustrating/devastating it has been. I feel like I will always feel this way. Pretty much 100% of the time, I feel like I have not slept in days...the fatigue is unbearable (and it doesn't help that I literally have a child that could run a marathon at any moment). This is the part that has left me feeling so hopeless and isolated. I really feel like a 75 year old instead of a 31 year old. Another part of this disease that is hard is that I look normal (besides the weight gain from the fatigue)...so no one understands the pain I'm in. 75% of the time, I am in pain. One day it could be my hands and the next day, my feet will hurt so bad I feel like I can't walk. But, honestly, I would take the pain over the fatigue.

So, again...I am begging for prayer for me and my family. I know God is trying to grow my character...I just am so tired and weak. I want to grow...I want to be a blessing to others. I don't want to be stuck in my house all day long. A few days ago, I found out through a friend of a friend about a new doctor that specializes in helping Lyme patients. I went to his web-site and burst out in tears. His office motto says "Renewing Hope, Restoring Health, Reclaiming Life"....I need ALL of that. I called the office and talked to the sweetest lady and found out that his earliest appointment for Lyme patients is December 21. That feels like 2 years away. PLEASE PRAY that somehow I will get in before that date. It is going to be intense treatment once I begin and really expensive...but we will do what we have to do.

One of the BIGGEST blessings along this journey has been two families (I know they don't want to be named and they live in a completely different state from us) that have literally given and given to us...they haven't stopped praying and have helped so much right when we need it. Their encouragement has given me so much strength...and they have literally been Jesus to me when I feel like I can't make it one more day. Thank you...you will never understand how much your love and prayers mean to us. Also, I just started a bible study in our neighborhood a few weeks ago and the girls have already started bringing meals to us every other night. This is so huge!! Thank you girls...

Love you all,
Lindsey

P.S. This picture makes me laugh...Eliana is doing a little light reading! :)