I need prayer...I am in a lot of pain (really in every way possible). My mind isn't super sharp anymore...not sure if it's my age or the lyme disease. :-) I ache for all that I am missing with sweet Eliana. Every single day I can tell she's growing more and more...and I am failing her. This disease has stolen so many days already. I want to be running and playing with her...but I am just stuck watching her play from the couch. I blame myself for her not even being able to say her alphabet. I am isolated...I am afraid...I am depressed...I am in pain...I am hurting...I am sad...I feel like I'm losing this battle. So, there you have it. The Lord says he won't give us more than we can handle...and I feel kind of close to the limit. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror I've gained so much weight...I run from cameras. I watch t.v. to distract from the pain in my feet. I look forward to Fridays because Chris can be an amazing dad to Eliana all weekend. Lyme disease is called "The Great Imposter" because it mimics so many diseases. It's true. One day I will think I am going to die of the depression and then the next day realize that lyme messes with my brain and is probably causing the depression. The fatigue is paralyzing...I could sleep for 5 days straight and still feel like I've pulled an all-nighter. And for some reason, my feet have been KILLING me!! I don't even want to walk on them. THIS IS NOT ME!!! THIS IS NOT WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE!!! I can post cute pictures of Eliana on facebook and tell the world how proud I am of my husband on facebook but really I'm falling apart. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this, but I'm not trying to beat myself up...I just need to vent. Thanks for your prayers.
Love,
Lindsey
Hey Lindsay. I know Chris from OBU and have been following your blog since your adoption journey. I cannot imagine the pain (both physical and emotional) that you are in right now. I am praying for you this morning. Thank you for continuing to share your heart - and for being vulnerable and honest with us - even though we may be complete strangers. Anyhow, just wanted you to know that there are people reading this :) and that I am and will be praying!
ReplyDeleteLinds,
ReplyDeleteI am in tears reading what all you are going through! You are so loved my friend. Please know that you are in my prayers more than ever.
I am praying for you body, mind & soul. God has already given you an amazing story & I believe your story has only begun!
I am praying that Chris would continue to be what is needed to you & Eliana both. I pray that God would strengthen him to help you walk this long road.
I pray for Eliana...that God would give her a peace that none of us can understand.
I know that God will redeem everything.
I love you Lindsey & I love your heart!!
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ReplyDeleteLindsey- I am praying!
ReplyDeletePraying, friend!
ReplyDeleteLinds - my mom was diagnosed as a Lymie around the same time you were. She sent you an email, but didn't get a reply! She would love to talk to you about some things....as she is going through so much right now also! Please email her if you will and just tell her you are Misty's "lymie" friend (I hear that is what ya'll call yourselves). I have been praying for you lots girl....lots and hope you find relief soon! Maybe the two of you can help each other out with different things your dr.s are trying! Her email (Sally) is ronsal71@aol.com! Best wishes and tons of prayers my Guatemom friend! xoxoxxo
ReplyDeleteso sorry to hear things are not going better for you. i would love to come visit you and let your daughter play with shepherd and have some fun during the day.
ReplyDeleteas far as abc's get a leap frog I know my abc's video and she'll be set in a week;)
My heart aches for you! I will pray for you. I know you said this isn't who God made you to be, but this is exactly who God made you to be. A beautiful wife and mother that God is refining everyday. What you are going through is exactly what God purposed for you. And I know it's nuts, and it's horrible, and I know you want your life to be so different, but I promise God will see you through this. God INTENDS for this to happen in your life. That means He promises for this to be for His glory and for your GOOD. He is working. He has plans for this. Nothing happens apart from what God designed. My sister, take your hope in that. Grab on to it everyday. Write it down and remind yourself.
ReplyDeleteThese are some of the verses that mean so much to me in the midst of my struggle:
"Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what He has made crooked?" (Ecclesiastes 7:13)
We don't know all of God's purposes for allowing us to be sick, but I love that what He intends for our lives (including how He wants us to serve Him) cannot be changed or thwarted by anything--not our bodies, not our minds, nothing!
I love this next passage. If the apostle Paul can write this, after everything he went through, then I can cling to it as well. This might be too much information, but I repeat this passage to myself when I'm trying to keep myself from throwing up (which is often!)! "For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not see; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal."
(2 Corinthians 4:17-18)
Sister, cling to what you cannot see! To that blessed hope of a perfect, healthy body in heaven!
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
(Hebrews 10:23)
Continue to cry out to God. He hears you and longs for you to cry to Him:
"In my distress I called upon the Lord,
And cried to my God for help;
He heard my voice out of His temple,
And my cry for help before Him came into His ears."
(Psalm 18:6)
Linds,
ReplyDeleteMy sweet roomie -- did we not have SO much fun at FFI?? Such fond memories! And, YES, people still read this -- I DO! I check often hoping for a fresh update. Linds, you have always had a certain something special about you -- God gifted you in such amazing ways. You draw people to you with the love of Christ in such an infectious way. I am expectantly waiting on our Lord to reveal some sort of wild and crazy purpose out of all this pain. Persevere in this awful journey in the shelter of HIS wing. There's really no other place to be. And I know it can be SO hard to stay encouraged in such DIScouraging circumstances. But I am waiting (albeit, impatiently), alongside you with BIG expectations of how He is going to knock your socks off with His plan and purpose for this season of your life. In the meantime, I'm sending hugs...
Love you, Amanda