"Am I going to make it?"

I know this probably sounds dramatic, but it's what I ask Chris nearly every single night. I haven't written in a long time basically because I feel like what I have to say is really depressing. Don't get me wrong...the three of us laugh a lot and just when I feel like I can't take one more thing, the Lord blesses us in some way. I have been paying a lot of attention to Eliana and her sleep issues and have really tried not to even think about my Lyme disease. BIG MISTAKE! I feel like I am paying for it now. I am not taking care of myself the way I need to be...and really feel paralyzed about making any decisions. All last week, I prayed and prayed for the Lord to help me find the path that will lead to healing. There are so many ways I can go about trying to heal from this awful disease. For over a year, I have been on antibiotics and getting shots of bicillin to try to kill the disease. Over all, I don't see any change. I can't even explain how frustrating/devastating it has been. I feel like I will always feel this way. Pretty much 100% of the time, I feel like I have not slept in days...the fatigue is unbearable (and it doesn't help that I literally have a child that could run a marathon at any moment). This is the part that has left me feeling so hopeless and isolated. I really feel like a 75 year old instead of a 31 year old. Another part of this disease that is hard is that I look normal (besides the weight gain from the fatigue)...so no one understands the pain I'm in. 75% of the time, I am in pain. One day it could be my hands and the next day, my feet will hurt so bad I feel like I can't walk. But, honestly, I would take the pain over the fatigue.

So, again...I am begging for prayer for me and my family. I know God is trying to grow my character...I just am so tired and weak. I want to grow...I want to be a blessing to others. I don't want to be stuck in my house all day long. A few days ago, I found out through a friend of a friend about a new doctor that specializes in helping Lyme patients. I went to his web-site and burst out in tears. His office motto says "Renewing Hope, Restoring Health, Reclaiming Life"....I need ALL of that. I called the office and talked to the sweetest lady and found out that his earliest appointment for Lyme patients is December 21. That feels like 2 years away. PLEASE PRAY that somehow I will get in before that date. It is going to be intense treatment once I begin and really expensive...but we will do what we have to do.

One of the BIGGEST blessings along this journey has been two families (I know they don't want to be named and they live in a completely different state from us) that have literally given and given to us...they haven't stopped praying and have helped so much right when we need it. Their encouragement has given me so much strength...and they have literally been Jesus to me when I feel like I can't make it one more day. Thank you...you will never understand how much your love and prayers mean to us. Also, I just started a bible study in our neighborhood a few weeks ago and the girls have already started bringing meals to us every other night. This is so huge!! Thank you girls...

Love you all,
Lindsey

P.S. This picture makes me laugh...Eliana is doing a little light reading! :)

Pain

I need prayer...I am in a lot of pain (really in every way possible). My mind isn't super sharp anymore...not sure if it's my age or the lyme disease. :-) I ache for all that I am missing with sweet Eliana. Every single day I can tell she's growing more and more...and I am failing her. This disease has stolen so many days already. I want to be running and playing with her...but I am just stuck watching her play from the couch. I blame myself for her not even being able to say her alphabet. I am isolated...I am afraid...I am depressed...I am in pain...I am hurting...I am sad...I feel like I'm losing this battle. So, there you have it. The Lord says he won't give us more than we can handle...and I feel kind of close to the limit. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror I've gained so much weight...I run from cameras. I watch t.v. to distract from the pain in my feet. I look forward to Fridays because Chris can be an amazing dad to Eliana all weekend. Lyme disease is called "The Great Imposter" because it mimics so many diseases. It's true. One day I will think I am going to die of the depression and then the next day realize that lyme messes with my brain and is probably causing the depression. The fatigue is paralyzing...I could sleep for 5 days straight and still feel like I've pulled an all-nighter. And for some reason, my feet have been KILLING me!! I don't even want to walk on them. THIS IS NOT ME!!! THIS IS NOT WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE!!! I can post cute pictures of Eliana on facebook and tell the world how proud I am of my husband on facebook but really I'm falling apart. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this, but I'm not trying to beat myself up...I just need to vent. Thanks for your prayers.

Love,
Lindsey

BRAND NEW 100% leather Antonio Melani boots!!

These boots really are amazing!! I bought them last year at Dillards at the end of the season...and unfortunately they do NOT fit my calves right now. I would love to send them to the first person that makes a donation. Let me know if you're interested in them.

Size: 8.0 Medium
Color: Dark Brown
Retail: $178

Thanks for praying!!
Love,
Lindsey

Another hard night...

To say we feel under attack tonight is an understatement! I just ran downstairs to write this blog because we are so desperate for prayers. I have had a rough day, Chris is beyond exhausted in every way, and Eliana is feeling ALL of this. Lord, have mercy! I feel so much guilt right now. I feel like such a failure as a mom and as a wife. She has been screaming bloody murder for over 2 hours. I have rocked her...I have sung every song I know...we have prayed over her...Chris is now trying to calm her little body down. She is beside herself. I know she's exhausted. I know she's tired of being passed around. I know she doesn't understand why I'm in bed and sick. Lord, how much longer?? I hate watching her hurt. She throws herself on the floor in hysterics and really seems like she's trying to hurt herself. I love her so much. Chris loves her so much. She is hurting! Please pray. Please pray for Chris. Please pray for me and my body. I just can't take much more.

Love y'all,
Lindsey

Keep praying...

The last few weeks have been so difficult in so many ways. The pain has grown more intense (especially at night)...my heart has been fluttering pretty much all day long. I'm not going to lie; it has been pretty scary. Most nights I end up in tears begging God for mercy. Two nights ago, I had a pretty terrible episode. Chris was across the street with our neighbors...and I called him to come home. I thought for sure I was headed to the ER. Every part of me was tingling...my skin was crawling and the pain was so crazy! Chris asked our neighbors to come pray over me. It was such a sweet time...and after the time of prayer my body began to settle down. Why do I doubt God? I know that He is my Healer. I think I am just so overwhelmed. I am tired of having to tell Eliana goodbye every morning. I am tired of laying in bed. I am tired of my feet & legs hurting so much that I don't want to walk. But, I am really trying to hang on and trust that He is in control. Please keep praying for me. Pray for Chris...he has SO MUCH on his shoulders right now. Pray for provision for all of our medical bills!! Pray that the Lord would give me perspective in this season.

Love,
Lindsey

Psalm 142

You Are My Refuge

With my voice I cry out to the Lord;
with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before him;
I tell my trouble before him.

When my spirit faints within me,
you know my way!
In the path where I walk
they have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see:
there is none who takes notice of me;
no refuge remains to me;
no one cares for my soul.

I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”
Attend to my cry,
for I am brought very low!
Deliver me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me!
Bring me out of prison,
that I may give thanks to your name!
The righteous will surround me,
for you will deal bountifully with me.

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____________________________________

Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support!! This last week I found out that I won this AMAZING gift set from philosophy.com and I thought it would be perfect to sell to help pay my doctor's bills. If you are interested in this, please send me an e-mail (click on the link to the right). The total set is valued at $96. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep praying!
Love,
Lindsey

My little sunshine...

I can't wait for the day where I can run around with her and play!! It is so hard watching her play from my bed or the couch. She keeps saying "momma's tired". YEP...that's an understatement! Please be praying that the Lord would protect her little heart during this...it is so hard not being able to be the mom I want to be. I am so thankful for her little smile and laugh...and this girl loves to sing!! She sings non-stop.

Love y'all,
Lindsey

Feeling hopeful....

I feel like this week has been one little thing after the other of God just giving me glimpses of hope. Trust me, I still feel awful and exhausted...but not hopeless. I am trying to wake up each day and just thank God for all the things I am grateful for....instead of dreading the rest of my day. Because honestly, a few weeks ago...I did not want to face another day. I have always had compassion on people that get to crazy, low points in their life and want to give up...but never thought I would be there. For those of you that know anything about lyme disease, you understand that is does affect parts of your brain, memory, etc...so, I have literally been fighting a battle in my mind along with the physical affects of the disease.

I went back to the specialist this week and we had to talk through all of the new options that I have. We can't use oral antibiotics anymore because it was attacking my stomach in horrific ways. So, I had 3 options. The first was to go into the office twice a week to get antibiotics shots. The second option is the one I have been dreading hearing about since the first day I started researching....which would be wearing an IV bag of antibiotics on my arm for a long period of time. The third option is that my doctor works with another "natural" specialist who has actually gotten pretty good results with lyme patients. For right now, I am choosing option 3 (it is the cheapest of the 3 options)....and it is not as hard on my body. We will see how the next month or two goes...and then revisit what needs to happen next.

I want to thank ya'll SO MUCH for the encouragement....a few of you have donated money to me just because you care!! IT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!! Thank you so much for praying and for being so generous. Again, it is God showing me that HE IS GOING TO PROVIDE...I so easily get freaked out by all of the doctor's bills. But, He knows.

Love you all,
Lindsey

P.S. If you want to buy any of my items (I will be adding new stuff soon)....just e-mail me and whoever does it first, will get it!! Then, you can click on the DONATE button and pay for the item(s). Hope that makes sense!

The Limited Cropped Green Jacket- SOLD

I wore this jacket one time (looks brand new)! It is so pretty in person...it has a lot of shine to it! It would be perfect for fall.

Size: Small
55% Nylon
45% Polyester


SUGGESTED VALUE: $20

NEW Kensie Girl Turkish Coffee Jacket- SOLD

This jacket is so great....the pictures don't do it justice! Let me know if you have any questions.

BRAND NEW WITH TAGS!
Retail Value: $89
Size: Large (fits like a medium because of junior fit)
70% Acrylic
30% Wool


SUGGESTED VALUE: $30

My life and lyme....

I'm not sure where to even begin. It has been a crazy journey over the last 3 or 4 years (really 6 but who's counting)! My family went through an incredible amount of stress and pain about 6 years ago....and from that time until today, my body seemed to lose energy by the day. I remember telling my husband Chris that something was just NOT RIGHT. I had mono about 9 years ago....and this definitely felt like what I had experienced. I went to different doctors and was told that I was depressed and had anxiety. So, for six years I have tried every anti-depressant on the market....some made me feel a thousand times worse and then the one I have been on for 3 years has not made me feel any better or worse, so I have stuck with it. My body continued to gain weight....and a lot of it. For about 2 years, I have dealt with rapid heart flutters (which concerned me)....but had EKG's and nothing showed up. I was told it was just probably anxiety. Then, over the last half of a year my body began to ache. My joints would hurt in crazy places....my hands and arms would go to sleep and I began experiencing a ton of pain. I remember telling me mom about all of these latest symptoms and her telling me that I really needed another opinion.

I think I just got to a point where I had decided that I was dying. I know that sounds drastic. But, I kept telling people that I really didn't feel depressed. I just felt every single day like I had pulled an all-nighter in college and NO AMOUNT of sleep would make me feel rested. Doctors would do blood tests and everything would be normal. I was told "You're a new mom of a 3 year old....this is just how it is." I can't tell you how many times I walked out of the doctor's office feeling overwhelmed, defeated, and hopeless. I begged God for answers. So, in early June, I went to a different doctor and told her all of my symptoms. I just burst out crying and said, "Something is so wrong with me.....I feel like I'm dying." She listened....and started writing. She looked at me and said, "It sounds like you have Lyme disease....have you been bitten by a tick." WHAT?!!!!

Fast forward, the test was POSITIVE!! I have had it for years....the last time I remember being bit by a tick was at Kanakuk Kamps in 2001. I didn't know anything about this disease. The more I have read and researched....the more my heart is broken for the thousands of people suffering. It is a very misunderstood and controversial disease. For most people, if you take anti-biotics right after the tick bites you, you will be totally fine and okay. But, there is a percentage of us that have had it for a long time and it could take YEARS of treatment to "cure" the disease. Without going into a lot of detail, treatment is very costly and most insurance companies don't want to pay for chronic lyme disease. So, my prayer is simple....healing! And, I want others to understand the disease and spread awareness.

This site is to document my journey. I am not a doctor and don't claim to have any answers...this is just about me. I decided that I could start selling my things that I don't need to raise money for my medical expenses (and to help others suffering with lyme). My prayer is that God will be glorified even in the midst of this painful time in my life. I am so thankful to the hundreds of people already praying for me.

Love you all,
Lindsey