"Am I going to make it?"

I know this probably sounds dramatic, but it's what I ask Chris nearly every single night. I haven't written in a long time basically because I feel like what I have to say is really depressing. Don't get me wrong...the three of us laugh a lot and just when I feel like I can't take one more thing, the Lord blesses us in some way. I have been paying a lot of attention to Eliana and her sleep issues and have really tried not to even think about my Lyme disease. BIG MISTAKE! I feel like I am paying for it now. I am not taking care of myself the way I need to be...and really feel paralyzed about making any decisions. All last week, I prayed and prayed for the Lord to help me find the path that will lead to healing. There are so many ways I can go about trying to heal from this awful disease. For over a year, I have been on antibiotics and getting shots of bicillin to try to kill the disease. Over all, I don't see any change. I can't even explain how frustrating/devastating it has been. I feel like I will always feel this way. Pretty much 100% of the time, I feel like I have not slept in days...the fatigue is unbearable (and it doesn't help that I literally have a child that could run a marathon at any moment). This is the part that has left me feeling so hopeless and isolated. I really feel like a 75 year old instead of a 31 year old. Another part of this disease that is hard is that I look normal (besides the weight gain from the fatigue)...so no one understands the pain I'm in. 75% of the time, I am in pain. One day it could be my hands and the next day, my feet will hurt so bad I feel like I can't walk. But, honestly, I would take the pain over the fatigue.

So, again...I am begging for prayer for me and my family. I know God is trying to grow my character...I just am so tired and weak. I want to grow...I want to be a blessing to others. I don't want to be stuck in my house all day long. A few days ago, I found out through a friend of a friend about a new doctor that specializes in helping Lyme patients. I went to his web-site and burst out in tears. His office motto says "Renewing Hope, Restoring Health, Reclaiming Life"....I need ALL of that. I called the office and talked to the sweetest lady and found out that his earliest appointment for Lyme patients is December 21. That feels like 2 years away. PLEASE PRAY that somehow I will get in before that date. It is going to be intense treatment once I begin and really expensive...but we will do what we have to do.

One of the BIGGEST blessings along this journey has been two families (I know they don't want to be named and they live in a completely different state from us) that have literally given and given to us...they haven't stopped praying and have helped so much right when we need it. Their encouragement has given me so much strength...and they have literally been Jesus to me when I feel like I can't make it one more day. Thank you...you will never understand how much your love and prayers mean to us. Also, I just started a bible study in our neighborhood a few weeks ago and the girls have already started bringing meals to us every other night. This is so huge!! Thank you girls...

Love you all,
Lindsey

P.S. This picture makes me laugh...Eliana is doing a little light reading! :)

Pain

I need prayer...I am in a lot of pain (really in every way possible). My mind isn't super sharp anymore...not sure if it's my age or the lyme disease. :-) I ache for all that I am missing with sweet Eliana. Every single day I can tell she's growing more and more...and I am failing her. This disease has stolen so many days already. I want to be running and playing with her...but I am just stuck watching her play from the couch. I blame myself for her not even being able to say her alphabet. I am isolated...I am afraid...I am depressed...I am in pain...I am hurting...I am sad...I feel like I'm losing this battle. So, there you have it. The Lord says he won't give us more than we can handle...and I feel kind of close to the limit. I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror I've gained so much weight...I run from cameras. I watch t.v. to distract from the pain in my feet. I look forward to Fridays because Chris can be an amazing dad to Eliana all weekend. Lyme disease is called "The Great Imposter" because it mimics so many diseases. It's true. One day I will think I am going to die of the depression and then the next day realize that lyme messes with my brain and is probably causing the depression. The fatigue is paralyzing...I could sleep for 5 days straight and still feel like I've pulled an all-nighter. And for some reason, my feet have been KILLING me!! I don't even want to walk on them. THIS IS NOT ME!!! THIS IS NOT WHO GOD MADE ME TO BE!!! I can post cute pictures of Eliana on facebook and tell the world how proud I am of my husband on facebook but really I'm falling apart. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this, but I'm not trying to beat myself up...I just need to vent. Thanks for your prayers.

Love,
Lindsey

BRAND NEW 100% leather Antonio Melani boots!!

These boots really are amazing!! I bought them last year at Dillards at the end of the season...and unfortunately they do NOT fit my calves right now. I would love to send them to the first person that makes a donation. Let me know if you're interested in them.

Size: 8.0 Medium
Color: Dark Brown
Retail: $178

Thanks for praying!!
Love,
Lindsey

Another hard night...

To say we feel under attack tonight is an understatement! I just ran downstairs to write this blog because we are so desperate for prayers. I have had a rough day, Chris is beyond exhausted in every way, and Eliana is feeling ALL of this. Lord, have mercy! I feel so much guilt right now. I feel like such a failure as a mom and as a wife. She has been screaming bloody murder for over 2 hours. I have rocked her...I have sung every song I know...we have prayed over her...Chris is now trying to calm her little body down. She is beside herself. I know she's exhausted. I know she's tired of being passed around. I know she doesn't understand why I'm in bed and sick. Lord, how much longer?? I hate watching her hurt. She throws herself on the floor in hysterics and really seems like she's trying to hurt herself. I love her so much. Chris loves her so much. She is hurting! Please pray. Please pray for Chris. Please pray for me and my body. I just can't take much more.

Love y'all,
Lindsey

Keep praying...

The last few weeks have been so difficult in so many ways. The pain has grown more intense (especially at night)...my heart has been fluttering pretty much all day long. I'm not going to lie; it has been pretty scary. Most nights I end up in tears begging God for mercy. Two nights ago, I had a pretty terrible episode. Chris was across the street with our neighbors...and I called him to come home. I thought for sure I was headed to the ER. Every part of me was tingling...my skin was crawling and the pain was so crazy! Chris asked our neighbors to come pray over me. It was such a sweet time...and after the time of prayer my body began to settle down. Why do I doubt God? I know that He is my Healer. I think I am just so overwhelmed. I am tired of having to tell Eliana goodbye every morning. I am tired of laying in bed. I am tired of my feet & legs hurting so much that I don't want to walk. But, I am really trying to hang on and trust that He is in control. Please keep praying for me. Pray for Chris...he has SO MUCH on his shoulders right now. Pray for provision for all of our medical bills!! Pray that the Lord would give me perspective in this season.

Love,
Lindsey

Psalm 142

You Are My Refuge

With my voice I cry out to the Lord;
with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before him;
I tell my trouble before him.

When my spirit faints within me,
you know my way!
In the path where I walk
they have hidden a trap for me.
Look to the right and see:
there is none who takes notice of me;
no refuge remains to me;
no one cares for my soul.

I cry to you, O Lord;
I say, “You are my refuge,
my portion in the land of the living.”
Attend to my cry,
for I am brought very low!
Deliver me from my persecutors,
for they are too strong for me!
Bring me out of prison,
that I may give thanks to your name!
The righteous will surround me,
for you will deal bountifully with me.

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Thank you so much for all of your prayers and support!! This last week I found out that I won this AMAZING gift set from philosophy.com and I thought it would be perfect to sell to help pay my doctor's bills. If you are interested in this, please send me an e-mail (click on the link to the right). The total set is valued at $96. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep praying!
Love,
Lindsey

My little sunshine...

I can't wait for the day where I can run around with her and play!! It is so hard watching her play from my bed or the couch. She keeps saying "momma's tired". YEP...that's an understatement! Please be praying that the Lord would protect her little heart during this...it is so hard not being able to be the mom I want to be. I am so thankful for her little smile and laugh...and this girl loves to sing!! She sings non-stop.

Love y'all,
Lindsey